Indecision

Looks like this: I am ate up with anxiety.

1. If it is to be done, it must be done for love. With love.
2. If I loved it would I not be reading Rousseau in my spare time? That I am not - therefore I don't love it?
3. But love has to be worked at, and can be easily lost - through lack of application and laziness and some kind of self-destructiveness.
4. The self gets in the way of seeing clearly.
5. If I were free - but I am not, and would not exchange anything I have in you for that freedom. The thrownness of the world. And - that communion requires obligations to one another.
6. I am so afraid for you. I am so afraid for us.
7. Some days I think I might love it.
8. Think about working in Singapore - already the attraction diminishes. No cloistered place here.
9. Still, I'd like to come home.
10. How can I do this? 

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