So I've left the service, more with a whimper than a bang., and will be going to Harvard in mid-August. Which seems an improbably short time away.
There should, perhaps, be a sense of liberation, of exhilaration at limitless possibilities, of excitement. Sometimes there is, but increasingly I'm feeling a sense of dread. The real fear - apart from the obvious ones, and the practical ones, which perhaps don't worry me as much as they should, mostly because I have a limited imagination for them - is that I won't like it. This is getting out of one race to another, from one box to another, and the second is smaller, tighter, less forgiving, less indulgent. You can't run from what you're not willing to do, or have not the energy to do, or not the capacity.
There should, perhaps, be a sense of liberation, of exhilaration at limitless possibilities, of excitement. Sometimes there is, but increasingly I'm feeling a sense of dread. The real fear - apart from the obvious ones, and the practical ones, which perhaps don't worry me as much as they should, mostly because I have a limited imagination for them - is that I won't like it. This is getting out of one race to another, from one box to another, and the second is smaller, tighter, less forgiving, less indulgent. You can't run from what you're not willing to do, or have not the energy to do, or not the capacity.
The Unicorn in Captivity, from the Cloisters.
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